Lily to Camera: The problem with living with 4 people and a constant stream of people is there is a constant stream of dishes. I like cleaning sometimes because it lets me think, but I do a lot of dishes. It is like another massive pile magically appears after only 5 minutes. I know we get a lot of visitors here but this is just ridiculous, how do we get so many dirty dishes?
Cut to scene of Val standing at the back of a restaurant’s back door (Jobot with stairs is perfect.) Val is speaking to worker at the restaurant.
Val: I’ll wash all your dishes for 20 bucks.
Worker: Yeah? great.
Val: I only need 48 hours.
Worker: 48 hours? Well then 5 bucks.
Cut to shot of Val pushing shopping cart of dishes down the street. Cut to scene of Val sneaking dirty dishes in the house and sneaking the clean ones out and delivering dishes back to restaurant and getting paid. Maybe Val is hiding while watching Lily clean dishes, Lily leaves for moment and Val runs in and fills up sink again. Lily returns and is like “What?”
Back to Lily: So I decided I wasn’t doing any more dishes until someone started helping. I told everyone at the house meeting.
Scene: House meeting, mine old monkey skit for dish dialogue.
Narrator: Stacks of dishes were stacked on other stacks of dishes, towers of cups piled up, pots, pans. (Spoof albatross or famous old poem here. Video during narrator is stop action of dishes piling up and becoming ridiculous.) Something had to be done (Scene of house members happily walking into kitchen, seeing dishes, then smelling dishes then puking, maybe even on the dishes? Film each house member puking.
House meeting Scene:
Freeda: Something has to de done about the dishes.
Donnie: Every time I go in there I puke.
Val: I know I tried hosing everything down with the garden hose, but that just seemed to move the grime around.
Walter: I tried burning some special incense I bought from a retired black panther at a poetry event and still couldn’t stay in there long enough to do a dish. He claimed it was the strongest incense known to man.
Walter: Last Tuesday some mad scientists were in there harvesting different life forms. (Cut to scene of Thought Criminals inspecting dishes.) They were experimenting with new forms of biological warfare or something. It sounded a little suspicious but they gave me 100 bucks if I let them do it. They claimed they found 23 distinctly different forms of mold that had not yet been discovered by science. (Cut to Lily shuddering)
Val: Maybe we can get J.J. to do them, he likes it when things get disgusting.
Lily: Who is J.J.?
Walter: He is the goth who lives in the closet.
Lily. There is a goth who lives in the closet?
Narrator: There was indeed a goth who lived in the closet. J.J. had lived in the closet for years but Lily had never met him because J.J. was not only very goth but also very shy. (While Narrator is talking J.J. in scene of J.J. coming out of the closest only after making sure no one is around and then doing extremely goth things. Spray painting black clothes blacker, painting black on black paper. Stepping back and saying “Needs more black.”)
Narrator: But alas the dishes were even too much for J.J. (Scene of goth J.J. walking into kitchen and then puking.) Something had to be done. So even though it was rare for me to do it, I left the couch and did the dishes.
House hires mercenary to do dishes, spook alien or some other pop culture reference.
House members go in with biohazard suits and do the dishes.